Ice cream.

First off, you can’t go to the grocery store and buy one pint of Ben & Jerry’s—Peanut Butter Cup, by the way, the ONLY flavor to rule them all—you have to buy two. That’s your ice cream, and yes, you’ll need more because you know you can kill a pint in one sitting, and you’ll likely need one more spoonful from another container afterward. Also, you do not share this with your significant other or children because fuck them; that’s yours, and yours only.

Of course, after that comes the shame from gorging yourself. I won’t judge you if you do this; live your best life. It’s just that no else is harder on me than me, and someone needs to maintain control or else it would be stuffing my piehole with a pint of the stuff every damn night.