I hate to break it to you, but there’s no scientific evidence that healing crystals work. Mostly it’s a placebo effect, and if you’re the type of person predisposed to believing in the energetic vibrancy of quartz, you’ll likely feel a tingle of something. But far be it from me to yuck your homeopathic yum—if you want to meditate while clutching your Deep Russian Amethyst while banging Laraaji, I will fight for your right to party.

But what about crystal-fermenting a wine? Is that something you can even do, and can it bring positive vibrations to a Cabernet?