The Dieline Pumpkin Spice Scale: Honestly Rating Fall’s Newest Pumpkin Spice Products

As a female in her 20s, based on grossly inaccurate stereotypes, you'd think I'd have orange-hued, pumpkin spice flavors flowing through my veins between the sweltering months of late August and brisk, early November. Yet, as fate would have it, I'm not a fan of the pumpkin spice flavors. In fact, I detest pumpkin spice as much as I loathe the way rotten porch pumpkins deflate and stink at the end of a hot Halloween season.

I find the notes of clove grossly overwhelming, and the other tastes are often sickeningly sweet. Part of me wonders if my mind is playing tricks on me. Do I not like pumpkin spice because I'm supposed to like it? Is this me rebelling against society in a tiny, insignificant way? 

And then, like clockwork, pumpkin spice season rolls around; I try one of the fresh, new, trendy cinnamon-nutmeg-clove-ginger extravaganzas and realize that, no, I'm not rebelling, I'm right. Sure, I can appreciate a good pumpkin pie, but the artificially manufactured sugar-bombed flavors ruin the season's tastiest trend for me.

In the spirit of early August releases, I'll be rating this fall's most pumpkin-y treats on a scale of one to five "boos." Five "boos" being the worst, wouldn't try it, absolutely vom-inducing, and one "boo" being intriguing and maybe worth a shot. Just know that even one boo will not pass these lips into my stomach hole as I know myself, and it would be a waste of money. And sure, pumpkin spice everything is all in good fun, but someone needs to take these brands down a skosh.

Chobani's Line Of Pumpkin-Spice Everything - 4 Boos 

When it comes to thick, creamy, and gooey textures combined with the pumpkin-spice flavor, my yuck alarm instantly goes off, and I'm ready to trash your yum. I didn't give Chobani a full-five boo rating because the packaging system is adorable and combines the brand's already down-to-earth aesthetic with a fall theme that feels like a warm, festive hug.  

Goldfish Goldfish x Dunkin’ Graham Cracker Pumpkin Spice Goldfish - 1 Boo

While I am an extra cheddar flavor blasted Goldfish girly, I can appreciate a graham cracker-flavored snack that smiles back. But as a self-proclaimed pumpkin spice hater, I can admit that the graham cracker flavor combined with pumpkin spice would taste more like a pumpkin pie than the sweet, unnatural flavors at say, an actual Dunkin'. I would likely try these, and I give everything about this collaboration a glowing one boos. I don't like the look of the donut on the packaging, though, so I'll leave it at that. 

Pumpkin Spice Oreos- 5 Boos 

I can take a gander at Oreo's unnaturally neon orange filling and know immediately that these are not for me. The packaging is festive but almost overkill, and I don't think the leaves are doing anything for the pumpkin lovers. I get that it's fall, sure, but beyond that spongy-looking pumpkin pie, if you're going to do pumpkin spice, do pumpkin spice. And why yellow packaging? Is this unripened pumpkin flavor? Where’s the orange wrapper? At least give the people what they want. I feel like Oreo missed the mark for both haters and lovers of the season, and for that reason, I'm giving Oreos five boos. 

Cup Noodles' Pumpkin Spice Ramen - 3 Boos 

Something about pumpkin flavor in liquid form feels abnormal. But, hear me out, and this might surprise you, but as someone who appreciates a savory twist, this has legs. I mean, we've got butternut squash soup, right? And that's good, right? Right?

If this is savory enough without the clove flavors taking over, I see the potential. I give it three boos for originality and on-brand pumpkin packaging; I welcome the unexpectedness because ramen can truly wild out however it wants to.

7/11's Pumpkin Spice Coffee - 1 Boo 

Coffee and pumpkin spice seem like the obvious combination, but there's something about 7/11 hopping on this fall-themed trend that feels subtle. There are no special cups, nothing over the top; it's just pumpkin spice coffee and lattes for people who like the flavors. I appreciate the subtleties—it's about giving the people what they want and less about a marketing stunt. I appreciate the authenticity of the adored convenience store, so 7/11 gets a highly acclaimed one boo. Starbucks, on the other hand, is overhyped, overappreciated, and, thanks to inflation, way overpriced. 

Martha Stewart Pumpkin Spice CBD Wellness Gummies - Two Boos 

Pumpkin spice-flavored CBD gummies don't sit well with me, yet, because Martha Stewart is behind the brand, it somehow makes sense. I'm a fan of a good, chill gummy, and I find the overstimulation of Thanksgiving-based family time the most appropriate time to consume the soothing supplement. The combination of the dominating season paired with a candy-like gummy that, assumingly, has a subtle pumpkin flavor works, and the folk art on the packaging feels appropriate. But, because I'm also team Martha, I can tolerate this and welcome it into my heart. Two boos. 

And yes, if Snoop Dogg were involved, this would absolutely be a one-boo.

Native's Pumpkin Spice Deodorant - Five Boos 

When carving a pumpkin, you expect to smell a little squash. That's what we're dealing with here. Maybe you think buttery, clove aromas will hit the olfactory system, but let's not fool one another. Sometimes they smell earthy, and not in a good way. 

When I saw Native's pumpkin spice deodorant, I immediately thought, "no, thank you." I don't want to smell like pumpkin bread pudding with a dollop of whip cream, especially if there aren't any notes of genuine pumpkin scents. If I’m ever around anyone sporting pumpkin spice deodorant, I would remove myself from their presence instantly. 

My Mochi's Pumpkin Spice Mochi- One Boo 

I might not have a sweet tooth, but mochi is definitely a dessert I adore. Something about the pillowy soft outer shell of the ice cream creates a crave-able texture. And, in line for the season, mochi brand My/Mochi has released a pumpkin spice flavor. I think because pumpkin pie often gets served with a scoop of vanilla, this release makes sense. I think the texture might be swaying my vote here, but alas, pumpkin spice mochi deserves a coveted singular boo. 

?Jamba Juice's Pumpkin Spice Smoothie - Five Boos 

I love a good smoothie; I make one almost every morning for breakfast. But when it comes to pumpkin entering my treat zone, I'll pass. The press release for the pumpkin smoothie says the recipe includes pumpkin, cinnamon, and nutmeg, with 2% milk and frozen yogurt, which, in my opinion, sounds like all the parts of the pumpkin spice season that I despise. Cold pumpkin in liquid form sounds unappealing at best, so I give this one five boos, and a solid "no thank you." 

Pumpkin Spice Cheerios - Two Boos 

Ever since I was little, I have loved Cheerios. They're simple, not too sweet, and the post-cereal milk tastes like not-too-sweet sugar. The cereal brand hopped on the pumpkin spice trend and released Pumpkin Spice Cheerios, and the brand describes the flavor as a mix of sweet and savory, something I can get behind. I feel that Cheerios did the flavors correctly, and the pumpkin isn't too overwhelming. Additionally, the packaging is done well, in line with the brand's simple aesthetic but with a sweet pop of orange. I’ll give these two boos only because you shouldn’t ruin a classic with a food trend.