Ben & Jerry's To Release CBD Ice Cream Pending FDA Approval Because Duh

by Bill McCool on 05/31/2019 | 2 Minute Read

Ice cream.

First off, you can’t go to the grocery store and buy one pint of Ben & Jerry’s—Peanut Butter Cup, by the way, the ONLY flavor to rule them all—you have to buy two. That’s your ice cream, and yes, you’ll need more because you know you can kill a pint in one sitting, and you’ll likely need one more spoonful from another container afterward. Also, you do not share this with your significant other or children because fuck them; that’s yours, and yours only.

Of course, after that comes the shame from gorging yourself. I won’t judge you if you do this; live your best life. It's just that no else is harder on me than me, and someone needs to maintain control or else it would be stuffing my piehole with a pint of the stuff every damn night.

But what if there were a way to numb this shame?

Ben & Jerry’s has announced they will release a CBD-infused ice cream once cannabinoid is made legal by the federal government. Because shouldn't you be able to eat a little bit of ice cream while taking the edge off in the same bite? Despite the ubiquitousness of CBD everything, the FDA currently prohibits its addition to all foods and beverages.

The ice cream purveyor/dealer of dark magic has submitted a comment to the FDA urging the legalization of the non-psychoactive component of cannabis.

Today, the agency is holding their first public hearing on the regulation of CBD, and Ben & Jerry’s advised their ardent followers to take action and tell the FDA to legalize this 21st-century snake oil.

“We’re doing this for our fans,” said Ben & Jerry’s CEO Matthew McCarthy in a statement. “We’ve listened and brought them everything from Non-Dairy indulgences to on-the-go portions with our Pint Slices. We aspire to love our fans more than they love us and we want to give them what they’re looking for in a Ben & Jerry’s way.”

Well, Mr. McCarthy, I am a fan, the longtime listener, first-time caller personified. You might be inclined to pump flavors like Half Baked or even, heaven forbid, Phish Food with CBD and I’m here to tell you to save your powder for Peanut Butter Cup. Be a mensch, won’t ya’? My anxiety is off the chain.

Also, who cares? Bring back Wavy Gravy, then maybe I’ll write my congressperson.

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